i am so ridiculously tired. i've been dragging myself out of bed IN THE MORNING to get to work for the last... um, four weeks. currently i'm working 10 - 8. before that it was 9 - 6, then briefly, 10 - 6. technically tonight it was 10 - 8:30, as we're no longer allowed to clean up the store before 8 o clock, we have to wait until all the customers are gone (even if we don't have any!) and close up after we've put the cones up at 8 o clock.

all of that = a very brain dead erika. such is the nature of spring at a garden center. nevermind that i'm busting my ass in an attempt to get a raise. cesar has the same idea in mind. not to sound too evil or anything, but i'm really hoping that rich knows better than to put control of his store in the hands of a sixteen year old boy who doesn't do more than he has to when his boss isn't around. i mean... no one likes to work, but still...

oh i really don't feel like bitching about that right now. i haven't even been home for an hour yet... i want to stop thinking about work and ... i don't know, relax or something. write my novel a little more.

did i mention that? i'm writing a novel. ooh. and it's managed to survive for almost a month now, which is a very good sign. normally i get tired of my stories after about a week. that typically means that i don't feel like they're going anywhere, or they don't sound original enough... or good enough... or whatever.

but i'm so wiped out from work lately i've barely written anything in the last 2 weeks. i've taken it out and stared at it a lot. i've thought about it a lot, thought about the plot, planned out some of the details in my head... but that only goes so far. i have to get into it to really figure out where i'm going. i need to be in that reality... if that makes sense.

anyway... i'm trying. this is what i've always wanted to do after all. why should i keep putting it off? why should i feel embarrassed to tell people that all i want to do is write? i'm good at it, apparently. i've got a lot of ideas, philosophy, fact-based opinions... not necessarily a lot of life experience, but i'm not stupid.

i'm not embarrassed, really. it's just that when people hear that you're writing a novel they say "oh that's nice" and smile dubiously and change the subject. a few ask what it's about, but those are the few who know me. i don't really know how to explain it to those who don't either... i think they'd just look at me dumbfounded, or start questioning my sanity.

i hate that whenever someone expresses "left wing" opinions, or any opinion that veers away from the mainstream, or conformity, or the so called "rules" of society, people treat them, or look at them, as if they're somehow lacking human sensibilities. touching the issues that i'm in love with is a social disease. sure, when you're surrounded by others who agree, it's okay... but as soon as you're surrounded by those who are even just slightly more conservative you're met with disbelief, hesitancy to agree, or even to listen to your whole idea, and worse. mockery, disrespect, downright rude behavior...

i am not an idiot. my ideas should not make me one in society, especially when i can argue them clearly. it's not my fucking fault if the people on the other end of the argument can't understand me. can't open their eyes enough to possibly see that there could be a different way of doing things.

and for those who agree but don't think that it can be done... that upsets me too. faith people... it's a concept that can apply outside of religion. the only reason things won't work is because so many people think that. that's the one thing holding us back from actually making a difference in the world. no one has enough fucking confidence. i'm not the most confident person in the world, but i believe enough in my ideas, or ideals as some would call them, to want to do everything i can to share them with people, expose people who normally wouldn't have access to these kinds of ideas to them.

one voice is all that's needed. something that people can rally around, something that guides, explains, understands. i don't claim to be able to do those things, but i'd like to try. i'd like my voice to be heard... so i suppose that's why i'm writing this novel. i'd go crazy if i didn't.

i'm already going a little crazy, actually. i think that learning as much as i have about the state of the world, about the heinous abuses of power by our leaders has lead me to develop a bit of a neurosis. is that the right word? i don't know...

all i do know is that one day, out of the blue, my arms and legs started itching. i wasn't breaking out in hives, i hadn't gotten anything on them, and no amount of scratching made it stop. i tried moisturizers (both organic and non-organic), aloe, fucking cortizone cream, and nothing makes it stop. at the moment it's not quite as bad as it has been in weeks past, but i'm still accidently scratching off scabs from where i ripped open parts of my skin, and for a while, on the insides of my thighs i had two huge bruises from trying to scratch my legs with the insides of my jeans while at work, etc. i looked like the victim of a sex crime, haha.

it's all in my head. i don't have any known allergies, and at any rate, my arms and legs only seem to itch in the evening, not during the day (though as it became worse i started scratching more in the day, but not nearly the way i do at night), so you would think that if it was work related that i'd have more problems there.

i have no idea really. i'm just trying to deal with it as best i can, not think about it much... but oh once i start scratching it's hard to get me to stop. it doesn't feel good... but it doesn't hurt either... everyone here makes fun of me (a little bit... not in a bad way) because of it. it just started about a month ago, but it's already become a part of me.

i think i'm going crazy kids. that fine line between genius and insanity? i'm skipping right along it. i really need to get this story written... even if it's simply for my own sanity.

and now... just for shits and giggles, i'd like to present my eleven steps for revolution. these are far from finalized yet; i haven't even worked in steps about cell phones or cars yet... but i will. oh i will.

how to revolt*:
step one: burn your clocks.
step two: burn your televisions.
step three: burn your money.
step four: ignore major media corporations, magazines, newspapers, etc, and form local news coaltitions. actively research every story produced by these corporations and deliver corrected versions.
step five: stop burning oil, coal, trees, and everything else that releases carbon dioxide in large amounts. start implementing community use of renewable energy (solar, wind). begin research as to other potential sources, regardless of profit.
step six: convert religious centers into community centers; remove all iconography and plant community gardens.
step seven: begin mass collection of man made materials for recycling and removal from the flow of materials. stop utilizing man made materials and rely only upon natural materials (naturfacts) and limited use of recycled old world goods.
step eight: dismantle large nations. redraw maps based upon small community settlements. rely on no one but your community members and yourself for the supply of your basic goods.
step nine: elect community leaders whose only given power is to coordinate production efforts with neighboring communities, thereby enabling certain communities to focus on one area (food production) while another can specialize in a different area (clothing production). trade goods and distribute evenly.
step ten: collect and destroy all weapons, including bombs, guns, gases, and all tools not necessary for work.
step eleven: live in harmony with nature and each other. enjoy life as the gift it is, not as a neverending quest to survive within a system.

*steps are subject to change as conditions do. you will be informed of any updates or revisions as they occur.

time to hole myself up in my room and do some writing, hopefully. i might just fall asleep. wouldn't that be interesting?

erika